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Michael: a Trans Man coming to a woman’s loo near you very soon, if the anti-trans lobby gets its way (published in Gaystarnews 2015)

Making Women Safe Again — the ID card way

Despite zero evidence that current toileting arrangements in the UK put women at risk from Trans folk, the UK Government is toying with the idea of measures that would make life somewhere between difficult and impossible for Trans people in public. The problem is: the only way to make this work is a way that 99% of women will absolutely hate!

TW for misgendering and lesbophobia.

When it comes to creating new obstacles that get in the way of people enjoying their everyday lives, Boris Johnson and his government are in a master class of their own:

Customs Posts between the UK and Northern Ireland?

Johnson: “Phwoar, no! They’d sink!”

Customs checks with mainland Europe and 50,000 new customs officials?

Johnson: “Look. Red tape can be very attractive at times. Like Christmas”.

Now, though, in a previously unpublished study of government measures to “protect women’s loos” — unpublished, that is, because it only just fell through a wormhole in time from circa 2026 — we can reveal to you the end point of current government rumination on trans people, likely to leave women’s rights trussed up for decades. (Trussed! Yanno: like Truss? Geddit?).

Principal actors are Bob (a security guard, and a man) and Carol (a Trans woman) and Ted (a Trans guy) and Alice (a butch lesbian woman). So named to protect their true identities: also in tribute to the 60s film of that name. Because wife swapping and poly is so 21st century.

And Karen, who appears in this version as herself. Always.

This incident takes place in approx 2022, under version 1 of government proposals (Trans folk: go back to your loos and prepare for disembowelment).

Karen: “Halp! Halp! There’s a man in my loo!”
Bob: “Yes ma’am? What is the problem?”
Karen: “There is a big beardy man with a lumberjack shirt in the Ladies.”
Ted: “Well, yes. Hi: Ted here. I am indeed a man. A Trans man. And the law says that I must now pee in the Ladies alongside you, Karen.”
Karen: “No. No. When we said we wanted people to use the loo of their gender we didn’t mean…”
Bob: “Sorry, ma’am. It looks like the law says Ted must pee here.”
Karen: “This is outrageous. I demand to see the manager!”

Late 2022, following an emergency amendment to legislation.

Karen: “Halp! Halp! There’s a man in my loo!”
Bob: “Yes ma’am? What is the problem?”
Karen: “There is a big butch man in the Ladies. He looked at me in a funny way”
Alice: “I’m not a man. I’m a lesbian. I thought you said that gender was not determined by presentation.”
Karen: “Of course it isn’t. It’s just so triggering that you look the way you do. Couldn’t you just make an effort? Like this lovely femme lady here?”
Carol: “Actually, I’m a trans woman…”
Karen: “Oh my God! Did you hear that? Arrest him! Chuck him out. This minute!”
Carol: “…with a gender recognition certificate. So I’m not going anywhere. Isn’t that right?”
Karen: “But…But…”
Bob: “Sorry, ma’am. The law says Carol must pee here.”
Karen: “This is outrageous. I demand to see the manager!”

2023. Just because.

Karen: “Halp! Halp! There’s a man in my loo!”
Bob: “Yes ma’am? What is the problem?”
Karen: “There is a Trans woman in the Ladies and I believe they are carrying concealed.”
Bob: “Concealed what?”
Karen: “Concealed penis, of course! I demand that you search him”
Carol: “Sure. I’ll drop my knicks for the man…just so long as you drop yours, too.”
Karen: “How dare you, you pervert! Besides: how do I know you haven’t got a dildo hidden somewhere about your person?”
Bob: “Sorry, ma’am. But the lady has a point. One strip-searched: all strip searched. It’s the law.”
Karen: “This is outrageous. I demand to see the manager!”

2025, after a long and bitter legislative tussle and Labour eventually supporting the measure (because really, they’d like EVERYONE to carry ID cards)

Karen: “Halp! Halp! There’s a man in my loo!”
Bob: (sighing) “Yes ma’am? What is the problem?”
Karen: “There is a bunch of pervs in the Ladies and I demand you throw them out straight away.”
Bob: “Why certainly. Good afternoon, folks: may I see your woman-only ™ government issue ID card”
Alice: “There you go. I’m not a man.”
Carol: “Ditto. Legally a woman.”
Ted: “Me, too!”
Karen: “What are you doing here?”
Ted: Oh: the Men’s loo is closed. And since I never bothered changing my birth certificate or getting a grc, I’m still legally female. And entitled to pee here.”
(Pause. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice stare at Karen)
Karen: “What?”
Bob: “Well, with respect, ma’am: can I see your ID card.”
Karen: “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m obviously a woman. Making me carry a card is an infringement of my woman’s rights, I…”
Bob: “Sorry, ma’am. It is the law and you are just going to have to go pee in the Gents.”
Karen: “This is outrageous. I…”
All: “We know. We know. You demand to see the manager”.

Omitted from the above, because it happens all the time, with or without legislation to “make loos safe again” is the scenario in which it turns out that Bob only took the job in order to fit micro-cameras inside the cubicles and perv at women. Also, the scenario in which Bob is not even a security guard, but a random man who wandered in off the street and picked up a jacket to conceal his identity.

Because any campaign that was genuinely about protecting women from male violence might be expected to discuss, for at least ten seconds, the “issue” of male cleaners, attendants and security types allowed unfettered access to women’s spaces. And not just loos: but changing rooms, prisons and pretty much everywhere else.

TLDR: There is no evidence whatsoever of a pattern of trans women in loos attacking cis women: though there have been several recorded instances of the reverse: cis people attacking trans. Here’s the case of Chrissy Lee Polis, seriously beaten by two cis women in McDonalds back in 2011.

Or if that is too “old” for you, how about this instance of a trans woman shot earlier this year. Also after using a McDonalds loo.

Hmmm: maybe there’s a pattern here and police should be bringing Ronald McDonald in for questioning.

Meanwhile, crimes committed in loos continue to be crimes and men continue to commit them. For the most part without any recourse to wizard wheezes like dressing up as a woman for the event.

But to acknowledge that would mean doing some research. And that is a thing that neither this UK government, nor the bitter Trans haters are terribly keen on acknowledging.

Written by

Feminist, writer, campaigner on political and sexual liberty who also knows a bit about IT, the law and policing. Not entirely serious…

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