Middle-aged busybodies with too much time on their hands celebrate saving literally 17 children from an imaginary threat
“Today is a great day for children!” That was the message this morning from global online organisation Scare Away for Demons (prop. one woman, Mrs Edith Gullible, and her dog) as its founder confirmed that young persons in Surrey are no longer at risk from incubi, succubi or any other sort of bi!
According to Mrs Gullible: “This has been a problem for many years now. I first noticed it when my nephew, Alex, turned 12. Overnight, he transformed from a bright and lovely little lad to a pasty-faced evil git who spent every waking hour glued to his pc playing games.
“Then I started noticing the same thing happening to his friends. There could be only one explanation: infernal creatures were creeping into their bedrooms under cover of darkness and stealing away their souls!”
“But would anyone listen? I seemed to be talking to myself, at home, and loudly in public: which is no reason to give anyone an ASBO, and just shows how far demonic possession of our legal system has reached!
“I had some success with my ‘bang a dustbin lid at 2 in the morning campaign’. Neighbours would kindly shout out their windows: ‘who the fuck’s making that racket at this hour?’
“When I explained it was to keep the demons away, they would inform me there were no demons in Little Pervington, where I was living at the time. And that shows it was working.
“But now after years of being mocked for my beliefs, one heroic figure, has heard our pleas and taken decisive action.”
This is believed to be reference to an answer, given today by Liz Truss, Minister for Silky Locks, during a press Q&A on the pivotal role of Wensleydale in future trade talks.
Truss said: “Look! I don’t know anything about demons or soul-stealing. Is Satanism a protected characteristic? Help me, somebody! I’m only doing this Equalities gig until something better turns up. Like Defence or Education.
“But if it were happening, which I’m sure it isn’t, it should stop forthwith. And I will be instructing my officials to issue a note to that effect today.”
Book to sell
Mrs Gullible was too overwhelmed with emotion to respond further.
She did however manage to raise herself briefly from her sofa to remind us that she has a book to sell: They’re stealing our children and turning them into Satan’s sausages, available on Amazon second-hand, and all good remainder stores right now!